Being dead sucked… prepare to be zombie fucked
R.A.E.D
It’s eleven o’clock on a Monday night and once again I sit staring at the computer screen, glass of scotch in hand carefully exhaling my cigar smoke as to not stain the screen on my computer. Between my scholarly pursuits, I find myself, as one commonly does, browsing the social networking world that is Facebook… A site which has brought me many joys and many pains… R.A.E.D is both.
In all honesty, I considered writing this review from point of view of a raed lover (I am done with the dots and capital letters, he can earn them if he fucking wants them) however attempting to do such a thing was very, very difficult. This is why:
To quote a generally awesome man Stan Lee, “Nuff Said”
However, it’s not that simple. Clearly raed has no talent, he is so fucking talentless that I can safely say the simple act of watching him perform results in loss of talent, and will to live. Also, I didn’t appreciate having to sit through like five minutes of shit to see even shittier. One would infer that there is no possible way raed has multiple videos and if so surely they would be at least slightly better than “Love this city”.
Ladies and Gentlemen, “She wants me back”:
I shall end this review soon because being covered in vomit is making it unpleasant to write in more detail.
Three tips for raed’s third album (yes, he already has two)
1. Invest in a spell checker
2. Perhaps take notice of the beat in the background, and I donno….rap in time with it
3. For the love of god, don’t make a third album
R.a.e.d 0/10
-Mark
Dinosoles
Today is the 8th of December, I am officially nineteen years old in five days and up until this point in my life I only harvest one regret…. I regret not finding out about Dinosoles sooner.
While just doing some general browsing on YouTube I came across quite a fantastic commercial for this extreme product that had completely gone under my radar for the first nineteen years of my life… Ladies and gentlemen, I give you DINOSOLES.
That’s fucking right, shoes with awesome Dinosaurs on the side that fucking light up! Also they have bad ass fucking dino foot prints on the bottom of them… Any kid with these shoes would be king….probably loose their virginity at like six!
I am surprised I only found out about them now…The commercial was fucking amazing, it even had a real dinosaur at the end playing on a fucking see-saw….making terrifying noises at a small child.
Not only was it an amazingly directed commercial…but there was also subtle racism, the most awesome kind of racism!… Go to 0:19 on the video and have a look who is the one kid not wearing Dinosoles….RACIST!
God dammit Dinosoles are awesome
Dinosoles- 9/10
-Mark
Bear Grylls
I will start off this review with one important point. I am not worthy of reviewing such an amazingly awesome human being. Bear Grylls is about as awesome as 12 Ussain Bolts or 9 Yoni Wolfs.
He eats shit, drinks piss, kills helpless animals, sleeps inside animals, uses snakes to piss in, feasts off zebra, swims in freezing glaciers, scales mountains, uses moose skin as a toboggan, sleeps in tree houses, climbs down waterfalls with a harness made of vines, travels down the amazon river on a makeshift raft, kills crocodiles, eats bugs, accurately describes every single texture and taste of any animal or bug, kills lizards with a bow and arrow, jumps off cliffs into water while running from bears, jumps from helicopters, forces his way through mangroves, catches fish with rocks, walks on lava fields, rides bamboo rafts, makes shelters, catches skunks with traps, boils eyeballs, escapes from quicksand, steals honey from bees, survives any climate and so, so much more.
People say a picture is worth a thousand words…. So now, I will present the equivalent of 5000 words that prove Bear Grylls’ supreme awesomeness.
I apologise if your computer screen exploded all over your face because it couldn’t handle the intensity of Mr Grylls.
Bear Grylls- 10/10
Bear Grylls- 10/10
(I had to rate him twice because he is twice as good as anything else in this world)
-Mark
Jesus with Dinosaurs
I don’t know why, but I really like the idea of jesus with dinosaurs…. I don’t think there is any rational explanation for this general appreciation for Jesus when he is accompanied by a dinosaur. I fucking hate that prick when he is chilling with John the Baptist
But as soon as he gets down with dinosaurs I become a devout christian
It’s obvious that Jesus didn’t really ride dinosaurs…If he did Judas would have been fucked, but I could definitely respect any Christ based religion more if they promoted this Jesus, instead of this one
What a faggot!
Jesus Christ- 0/10
Jesus with Dinosaurs- 9/10
-Mark
18th century children
Fuck that. Those little kids from the olden days scare the shit out of me. I can’t look at a photo of a pre 1900’s child without getting paranoid.
Holy shit, there is four in that picture!
6/10
-Chris
3/10People who say “I got you into that band”
Jesus fucking Christ…This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Like, what’s the point? What does it prove? How is it relevent to any conversation, ever?
Most of the time it is a passing comment…”Check out this band” and that’s it….I don’t understand what mentioning that you got them “into” that band proves….. You didn’t make the person like them, you just told them of their existence! You are in no way affiliated with the band because you knew they existed, so stop taking pride in their fucking music because you didn’t do shit.
If someone told me to check out a grindcore band and I hated them, they wouldn’t go around saying “I got you disliking that band”… I think it’s done mostly as a way to display status… It’s kinda like “I liked them before you, if not for me then you wouldn’t listen to them however I am the bigger fan because I listened first…Give me fucking attention!”
On a side note….Arrogant Radiohead fans can fuck off with their elitist attitudes….Stop thinking you are awesome because you listen to heaps of Radiohead and every other person who has different musical tastes aren’t as cultured or musically informed as you. Radiohead are a great band, but their fans can suck my shit.
(Pictures unrelated)
I don’t even know what I am rating….so
0/10!
-Mark
10/10
Jam Enterprises 